Evan Smith

PICKLES: Will you call me Amelia?

WICKETT: If you will call me Josiah. (They sit.) I immediately regretted it. I could feel my Christian name hanging over me like the sword of Damocles. My tongue positively rebelled at the prospect of addressing Miss Pickles as Amelia. A “Miss Pickles” one could ask for another biscuit, an open window shut, or a little less flour in the gravy. An “Amelia,” though – One closed windows oneself for an “Amelia.” One put out cigars for an “Amelia.” For an “Amelia,” one put down one’s book and ran upstairs to fetch a shawl. In my easy chair I was anything but.

WICKET: …when we were landlady and tenant it would have been improper for me to speak of certain things before you, things like – the conjugal act.

PICKLES: Captain Wickett!

WICKETT: But now we are man and wife, one flesh, and we may speak of such things, may we not?

PICKLES: I am going to bed now, and I shall latch my door!

WICKETT: I shall break it down! You cannot lock your husband out of your bedchamber! The law is on my side!

PICKLES: Captain, you may have spent however many years in the Army, killing ever so many men, but believe me, you will find a formidable opponent in Amelia Pickles!

JUDGE: This court is now in session. First let me say that the two of you have done more violence to the sacrament of matrimony than anyone since Henry the Eighth. Marriage is a Holy Institution, not a game to be tossed out when it no longer amuses. I am proud to say I am married. I treasure my wife, and if she ever comes back from Italy, I’ll tell her so. Now it is quite clear that even by the most elastic standards, no proper marriage ever took place between the two parties before me. Divorce hardly seems necessary. How, therefore, can I make my displeasure felt in terms strong enough to express the outrage I feel as a Christian, as a Husband, and as a Jurist? I can think of only one way. And so, after careful consideration, I have decided to reject this petition you have put before me. The motion for divorce is denied. May you live happily ever after. (Pickles swoons as the curtain falls.)