Kevin Kling

CHAIRMAN FRANCIS: Our church is the street, our faith is the people, and our laws are constantly changing. If a law offends us, we pluck it out. If a minister offends us, we pluck him out and elect a new minister who is young and strong and can recognize evil’s ever-changing face. We don’t believe in miracles, we believe in action. But action takes money. Mr. Chairman, the church of Democratic Progression needs your financial support. Now, Mr. Chairman, how much would you pay to nip evil in the bud? Now I’m not talking about wiping out evil entirely, just your own little personal dark speck. Would you pay forty dollars, Mr. Chairman? Thirty dollars? Twenty dollars, the price of four filthy movies? NO. Mr. Chairman, for just fifteen dollars a month you can keep a chairman, like myself, on the streets fighting evil on your behalf.

RON HUBER: Lady. What’s this doing here?

CASHIER: What? That’s cream.

RON HUBER: Yeah, well where’s the Coffee Mate?

CASHIER: We ran out so we had to use real cream.

RON HUBER: Christ. First the cinnamon triangles and now this. This place is going to hell. What? What, am I supposed to put that liquid shit in perfectly good coffee?

CASHIER: Look, cream is better that powder. It’s more healthy for you.

ROB HUBER: You think I come to SA for my health. Now you march to the back and get me some Coffee Mate, young lady. I got a bus waiting.

STEVE: So, this morning we were at the doctor’s office and Steve wanted to show how smart he was ‘cause he knows they’re thinking about locking us up. So, he starts going through the K-Marts beginning with “A”. Well, I read this morning in the paper they’re opening a new K-Mart in Burnsville. I’m sitting there nice and quiet and polite the whole time he and the doctor are talking and then Steve starts reciting and gets to the “B’s” and ooops – he missed Burnsville. So, I calmly say, “Burnsville.” ‘Cause I didn’t want Steve to look bad in front of the doctor. I was only trying to help and Steve said, “What?” And I said, “Burnsville, Steve.” And he said, “What about it?” And I said, “There’s a K-Mart in Burnsville.” Steve goes “Huh uh” and I go “Uh huh” and Steve goes “Huh uh” and I go “Uh huh, I just read it in the paper today.” And then Steve really lost his cool…